Shock as Scottish Manager not Resigning

The football world was left in shock today when some Scottish Manager's decided not to resign from their club after moderately successful seasons.

Bucking a trend set by Jimmy Calderwood, Gordon Strachan and Ricky Sbragia, a large number of Scottish Bosses have turned up for work at their clubs without resignation letters.

The news was greeted with relief in Dundee, where moderately successful Craig Levein is still the Dundee United manager, while in Manchester, fans of United were said to be absolutely delighted to see Old Trafford Boss Sir Alex Ferguson report for duty on the eve of their champions league trophy. However, some fans in Falkirk, Leith and a B.Ferguson of Govan were all said to be disappointed that the resignation outbreak has not yet been escalated to pandemic levels.

After news of the initial spate of Scottish Manager Resignations, there was an unprecedented number of searches on the family-tree website Scotland's People for records of a Southgate Clan.

Newcastle Relegation Prompts Toon to Feature on Life of Brian 2

Newcastle is expected to be surprise location for any sequel to the controversial 1970's Monty Python Hit: Life of Brian.

The surprise selection of the Toon over Jerusalem has occured due to the dramatic rise in alleged Messiah's in the Newcastle area, sparked by comments that Alan Shearer is not the Messiah - he's just a TV pundit.

Having only recently grappled with the realisation that Kevin Keegan was not the Messiah (on two counts!) and now having found Shearer to now also NOT be the Messiah, thousands of Geordies are running around Newcastle grasping at straws to comfort their relegation and abject failure.

Meanwhile, psychologists are considering whether or not to rename Jerusalem Syndrome as Geordie Syndrome.

However, even the most desperate Geordies agreed that Joey Barton was not the Messiah but was a very naughty boy.